The Nightmare
by AiryAquarius
Summary: Yumichika has a terrible nightmare. Who else but Ikkaku is there to help him out? A feeble attempt at humor... No pairings! A Yumi and Ikkaku oneshot. Complete!


**Something I randomly thought of while I was in my dentist's waiting room. Fear and high tension make my imagination go into overdrive, I guess. But I'm not complaining! :D**

**In case you were wondering why I had to go to the dentist, it was because my jaw was being a bitch and hurting every time I ate something hard or yawned or even just opened my mouth wide. I have MPDS, apparently. Argh. I can't even eat a burger without clutching at my jaw every ten seconds. **

**Warnings:**** Mildly cracky, no other warnings, surprisingly!**

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Bleach or any of the characters associated with it. I borrow them for purposes of amusement only.**

_**The Nightmare**_

Yumichika usually slept well. His dreams were filled with beautiful things: attractive men and women, gorgeous clothes, stylish accessories, an entire boutique of grooming products, everything a man like him desired.

But one day, something changed. His dreams were not filled with colours and beauty.

They were scary.

They were _nightmares._

And they weren't just nightmares; they were something much more intense. They made his soul scream in abject terror, causing him to thrash in his bed, upsetting the things that were set on the bedside table and bringing Ikkaku running to his room.

"Yumi, wake up!" He yelled, grabbing the slender man by his collar and rattling him awake.

Yumichika woke up with a shuddering gasp, disoriented, looking at the bald man's face blankly before throwing himself at him and sobbing brokenly. "Oh Kami, Ikkaku, I had the worst nightmare! We were living in a place, I don't know where, it was such a terrible place, and the people didn't know that there was such a thing as make up, it was terrible, terrible! There were no beauty products in any of the stores and there weren't any ads about them anywhere, and there were no style magazines or catalogues! Those things didn't exist there! They didn't have lip gloss, and nail polish, and glitter eye shadow, and foundation, and scented bubble baths,a- a- and moisturizer! And SHAMPOO! THEY DIDN'T HAVE SHAMPOO, OR CONDITONER! HOW CAN PEOPLE LIVE IN A WORLD WITHOUT MOISTURIZERS AND CONDITIONERS?! AND HOW DO THEY EXPECT ME TO LIVE IN A WORLD WITHOUT THOSE THINGS? THEY LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS CRAZY AND AN IDIOT! WELL, THEY'RE THE IDIOTS FOR LIVING IN A WORLD WITHOUT GROOMING PRODUCTS!"

Ikkaku, poor thing, his arms full of terrified and hysteric shinigami, was trying to make sense of what had just been squealed into his ears, and failing. All he heard was "*squeal squeal* TERRIBLE TERRIBLE *squealsquealsquealsqueal* AND LIPGLOSS AND NAIL POLISH AND EYE SHADOW AND FOUNDATION AND BUBBLE BATHS AND MOISTURIZER AND SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER *SQUEAL SQUEAL* MOISTURIZERS AND CONDITIONERS ! *WAAAIIIIL WAAIIIIL* CRAZY IDIOT *SCREECH SCREECH* GROOMING PRODUCTS!"

His only response was "Huh?"

Yumichika practically pulled himself away from him, eyes wide and staring at him with a look of utter horror. "Ohmygod." He gasped, curling up on the bed with his head between his knees. "Oh my god, it's happening again! WHY WON'T IT LEAVE ME ALONE! WHY DO I KEEP WAKING UP TO THE SAME NIGHTMARE?! WHYYYY!" his cries picked up in pitch until a steady keening noise was all that could be heard.

Frantic with worry, but not knowing what to do, Ikkaku just stood there and looked at his best friend like an idiot.

"Ikkaku, come on, don't play games with me! You know lip gloss, that shiny thing I put on my lips every day, and bubble baths, you know bubble baths! And MOISTURIZER! YOU NEED TO KNOW MOISTURIZER, YOU'VE USED IT PLENTY OF TIMES YOURSELF! TELL ME YOU KNOW MOISTURIZER, BECAUSE I CAN'T EXPECT YOU TO KNOW SHAMPOO! TELL ME I'M NOT GOING TO LIVE IN A WORLD WITHOUT SHAMPOOooooo..." and then Yumichika began sobbing, not exactly crying but just sobbing, his breath coming out all funny.

Ikkaku came to the conclusion that Yumi had had some sort of nightmare _within _a nightmare. A _compound_ night mare, if you like.

Cool. Freaky, but cool.

He imagined something like this had happened:

He'd woken up, and Ikkaku was there, and then

Yumi: *a lot of screeching* (and then) Tell me you have moisturizer!

Dream Ikkaku: Moistu-what? What the hell are you talking about?

Yumi: *more horrified wailing* I'M LIVING IN A NIGHTMARE!

And then he'd woken up for real, and was now having a breakdown of some sort.

Sigh.

He walked into Yumichika's bathroom and came out carrying a bunch of bottles. He stood over the pathetic figure on the bed, and dumped all the bottles on its head.

The figure jolted upright, the misery on his face slowly transforming into gleeful grin at the sight of all the various bottles and jars of lotions and bubble baths and moisturizers and, you guessed it, conditioner.

"Co- conditioner? he murmured, a wide and wondering smile on his face, his voice soft and incredulous. "And shampoo, and moisturizer? Oh my god, my bubble bath, and my hair serum as well…"

Then his expression turned to one of fear. He looked up at Ikkaku, and in a small voice, said "This isn't another nightmare, is it? When I open the bottles they won't be empty?"

Ikkaku rolled his eyes and huffed, picking up a random bottle and emptying almost half of it on Yumichika's face.

He raised a trembling hand to the liquid running down his face, smearing it slightly with the tips of his fingers. He rubbed them together, making sure that the pleasant smell and the wet sensation weren't just figments of his imagination. Then the glee came back full force, the grin on his face almost manic.

He gathered the bottles into his lap with joyous laughter, picking up the bottle of conditioner first, rubbing it against his cheek while murmuring endearments at it, before kissing it and replacing it with a bottle of moisturizer.

He gave Ikkaku a blissed-out smile. "I'd like some time alone with my loves, if you don't mind…"

Ikkaku harrumphed and walked away, muttering about insane friends.

When all the bottles had been separately cuddled and kissed, Yumi settled back on the bed, and and before long he was fast asleep with all his bottles cuddled into his arms, dreams once again filled with colours and frothy lather and fruity smells.

**!*!*!*!*! Fini !*!*!*!*!**

**Yumi loves his grooming products. Yup. And Ikkaku is a little freaked out. **

**I thought it was funny while I imagined it at the office, or maybe it was just my adrenalin messing with my thought processes? I tend to laugh and giggle when I'm stressed or scared shitless. And my dentist, bless him, is a great guy, but something about his office is **_**scary**_**. Like a hand-trembling scary. And then my nerves cover themselves up as giggles and people start looking at me weirdly for giggling at the walls.**

**Sigh. **

**Your opinions and suggestions are always welcome, so feel free to drop me a line! It would be a great help if you could tell me if this was funny or not…**


End file.
